FN June 27th 2013

when we first met, the differences between us were large. we were still figuring out how to be teenagers and whether it was time to start growing up. it’s okay to be a kid but i didn’t know what that meant 

i’ve been having a hard time writing something heavy and poetic. something elegant amidst all these selfish rants and end-of-the-day complaints that these digital letters have been centered around. i wanted to talk about us. for example, in the first year of meeting you, i treated you like a child. it’s like i looked down on you, but i needed you so badly. it wasn’t the best time for you and i know now how you might’ve felt back then. in january 2011, you took a break from me and then was the first time i felt uneasy in my skin. i missed you so much and i couldn’t even stand two weeks then. it might’ve been shorter than that. it felt like forever. 

now i guess we’re back in what has become a familiar place. a thoughtful but silent place. if you were being honest as i have been, i can say we’re both thinking of each other, good or bad. whether this is going to work out. whether we’ll be in each other’s lives like i can imagine.

it’s easy for me to say that i want to wait for you. that these letters are going to be worth it. but really hasn’t even been a month of this and waiting isn’t synonymous with patience until sacrifice and diligence harmonizes with it.

i hope you like these.

pink lemonade

i woke up in the driver’s seat of my car with the windows rolled down. the moon roof, now a noon sun roof like a magnifying glass as light sharpened through onto my elongated forehead. i had been up all night. after a nap, everything was a dream or a memory from weeks ago. i woke up from that coma to you.

i don’t think about this day often but when i do i remember laying in the backseat, curling up so i could fit between the old doors and with my head in your lap. i don’t remember what was said, but i remember kissing you in between wisps of silences. i remember playing with the hemp bracelets you made for me, sliding the beads round and round my wrists. i pulled the hair behind your neck towards me so i could kiss you harder and i loved it. i remember your pink lemonade panties. i remember grazing them with my fingers and i felt the power you had over me. a strength you had over me from even then. i wasn’t thick stucco, trapped in my own insecurities. i had forgotten how much you annoyed me. we would fight more after but that doesn’t matter.

i always thought that you were running to catch up with me but it was me that needed you. it had been that way all along. in that parking lot i asked you to be a part of me. i thought it a privilege to you that i would brag about you to my world. a world that was smaller than i had realized and me, a man even smaller than it.